He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
