Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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