GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
