Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
