he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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