i will never coherently bang her
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
