I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
