you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize