YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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