If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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