how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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