my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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