Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize