I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
