If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
how drunk are you?
Several
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
