Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
