Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
