I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
