yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
