My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
