In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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