So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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