i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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