Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
