In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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