Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize