Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
