Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
