Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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