I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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