Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I would fuck him just for his dog
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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