So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
