Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I lost the right to judge tonight
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
