I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
