Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
