How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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