i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I want her autograph on my taint
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
