I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
