The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
