I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
