The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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