It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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