I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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