You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
