Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
