went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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