ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Success! We fucked roommates!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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