i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
