Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize