Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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