I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
