I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
