Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
