So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
