so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
