i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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