Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
