I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
