Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
