Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
